This is a very personal post and not an easy one to write. I, like a lot of other people find writing my thoughts and feelings down therapeutic, a release, helpful etc AND If someone out there in internet land can relate, is feeling the same, has been there, needs inspiration – well I would LOVE to be of help by sharing my story.
My relationship with Alcohol, like many has been rocky. No I am not an alcoholic, I dont drink every day, in fact I dont even drink every week. When I do drink though I hate myself. Why? Because I am hiding behind alcohol, I am using alcohol to be more confident. Confident in front of guys, confident in front of potential new friends, confident enough to dance and not care. I hate it. Why can’t I be myself and not care what others think? Why can’t I love myself whether I can dance or not? Who really gives a fuck how I am dancing? Why am I afraid to go and talk to guys/potential new friends? Why do I care about others opinions so much? Why do I think I need compliments from guys to feel good about myself? Why do I feel like I have to make new friends every time I go out? Why do I even go out?
Insert your why’s here.
I binge drink. I also drink one or two at home, out with a friend, with dinner, on a hot summers day because I enjoy the taste of a cold bourbon or cider.
I want to remember my whole night. I dont want to binge drink. I want to enjoy one or two cold drinks, the end. I want to be able to stop after two drinks. I don’t want to go out and get drunk because I am bored or there’s nothing to do. I don’t want to feel peer pressure to drink more, to get drunk. I don’t want to feel insecure and resort to alcohol to fill the gap. I don’t want to be hungover. I dont want to waste days in bed. I dont want to be unhealthy. I dont want to puke. I don’t want to rely on something like alcohol to be more confident. I dont want to drink just because everyone else is. I don’t want pressure. I want to be happy going out sober. I want to be happy talking to strangers and dancing sober. I want to be happy with not going out and drinking. I want to pursue other hobbies and interests and meet people that are interested in the same things as me. I want to be happy being me.
Insert your wants and don’t wants here.
We have all done shit we regret while drinking, slept with that guy we just met at the pub, puked on the tour bus, cant remember how we got home, injured ourselves, exclaimed I will never drink again then a party comes up the next weekend and BOOM, on it.
If you like being hungover, like puking, like sleeping with random people, like not remembering your night. Please, continue to drink. But I do not want to continue with this. I’m done.
I just turned 30, I’ve been drinking since I was 14. I’ve done it all. Yet I still feel as though I NEED alcohol to help me in social situations. How sad is that? I am stuck between living the authentic life that deep down I want to live and the familiarity of the last 16 years of my life. I have wanted to stop drinking for a long time, but I have not had the courage. Yet I had the courage to move overseas by myself, what the? Then something happened this past weekend and I just clicked, FUCK THIS SHIT I’M DOING IT. I’m listening to my gut, my instinct that is trying to convince me to live my authentic life. (in case you were wondering, I injured myself and have no memory of how it happened, not fun huh?).
My authentic life is enjoying a drink or two every now and again. My authentic life is living a healthy lifestyle. My authentic life is not being hungover, having memory loss and sleeping with people I just met. My authentic life is following my passions, dreams and goals. My authentic life is being honest with myself about what I want. My authentic life is surrounding myself with inspiring, uplifting, positive people who support my lifestyle. My authentic life is being confident and happy in myself. My authentic life is not being afraid to be honest and share my feelings. My authentic life is learning to say NO. My authentic life is getting the fuck over FOMO. My authentic life is pursuing my hobbies and passions. My authentic life is connecting with other genuine people. My authentic life is going out if I want to – sober – and having fun, dancing, talking to people. My authentic lifestyle is helping others, doing yoga, meditating, going to rock concerts, walking, travelling etc
Insert your authentic life here.
I have been lost for a long time, torn between being the person media/social circles depict i should be and being the person I want to be from the inside. I like random shit, I like yoga, I like (trying to learn how to) meditate, I like essential oils, I like making my own natural homemade products, I like eating as healthy as possible and re-creating dishes in a healthier way, I like rock music, I like kickboxing, I like action movies, I like swearing, I like biking, I like reading, I like writing, I like laughing, I like talking spending time with friends and family, I like meeting new people, I like being inspired, I like reading blogs, I like tattoos and piercings, I like talking to people about my passions, I like helping people, I like cars, I like travel, I like being sarcastic, but most of all I like being me. 100% real, authentic me. Not giving a shit. Not everyone is going to like me and that’s ok, at least I am being true to myself, to me, that is all that matters, cos I kinda like being me.
I dont want to rely on a substance like alcohol to…… to what?
Why do I even go out? To get hit on my drunk fuckwits? To get 2 night buses home that takes two hours? To vomit? To be hungover? T forget half my night? To injure myself? To sleep with random people? I may be enjoying myself at the time but what’s the point if I can’t remember the next day?
No. I dont like that. Why I thought I ever did is beyond me.
I’m not saying I haven’t had fun in the last 16 years but that’s the past, I DID have fun, some nights more than others but this lifestyle just isn’t me anymore and it’s time I did something about it.
People are going to like me, or not. Alcohol isn’t going to change that.
I would rather be shy, I would rather learn to dance sober and enjoy it, I would rather learn to talk to strangers without alcohol. Then I can be proud of myself. I can help others to do it too. That would be fulfilling.
Don’t get me wrong I like to have fun, but I guess, my idea of fun has changed. I’m not that girl anymore. I am a grown woman with goals and self respect.
It’s been my longest personal relationship ever but it is time to end, it is time to say goodbye.